My wife is home with our brand new daughter right now and so she’s been watching a lot of CSI: Miami to pass the time. Which means I’ve been absorbing a lot of CSI: Miami in the background.

Miami was always my favorite of the CSIs, and a lot of that has to do with David Caruso’s leading man Horatio Caine. Caruso brought a level of smartass badassery to the show that was missing from the more heavily science focused CSI.

Only now that I’ve been rewatching CSI: Miami, at least in the background when I stop by for diaper duty, I’ve noticed something about Horatio. Especially in later seasons.

Horatio is a reverse Jason Voorhees.

Basically the same person.

Seriously. Stop for a minute and consider the similarities:

Badass facial accessorization

Jason has his iconic hockey mask. Horatio has his iconic sunglasses. And when either one of them takes off their signature item you know shit’s about to get real and there’s a good chance someone’s about to die. The only difference is that someone is some poor teenager who’s probably still basking in the afterglow of getting laid if we’re talking Jason and it’s some murderer who thought they got away with it in Horatio’s case.


Jason doesn’t play fair when he’s chasing someone through the woods. One of his victims could hop onto the Concorde (which was still running for most of his career) and fly halfway around the world and the dude would still be waiting for them at Heathrow near the baggage claim. He has the sort of teleportation abilities that would make James Doohan jealous.

But Horatio does too. Look at any episode of CSI. The closer you get to the end the more powerful his abilities get. A bad guy is in the middle of a wide open space like a parking lot or a field in one shot. Then we move to a close in shot as the bad guy smiles thinking he got away with it all and then there’s David Caruso showing up in the background with his gun out and his sunglasses in the business position.

How did he get there? It defies all rational explanation. Episode after episode he appears in places he just shouldn’t be without being some sort of wizard who travels the world dealing out justice with one liners and gratuitous application of sunglasses to his face, but every episode he pulls it off and gets the bad guy.

They both have an impressive bodycount

Jason is Jason. That should be pretty self explanatory. Killing teenagers for doing things that were considered no-nos in Reagan’s America like doing drugs and having sex is his schtick even though we’re well past those bad old days. Horatio is a little more surprising. The thing is, if you watch CSI: Miami long enough you’ll realize that Horatio is a dude with an impressive bodycount to his name.

There was the time he shot three guys who stopped an ambulance he was riding in with his stricken wife. There was the time he traveled to South America to execute the dude responsible for killing his wife. What about the time he was extradited back to South America for killing the guy who ordered the hit on his wife, and he straight up goes full Terminator on a bunch of South American gangbangers who tried to kill him?

That’s not even counting all the one off episodes where he’s forced to kill some criminal who’s gunning for him and then David Caruso gets to look soulfully into the camera before he puts his sunglasses on and delivers another trademark Horatio one liner about how no one should fuck with Horatio because they tend to die.

Sure Horatio kills bad guys. Jason kills people who may or may not deserve it depending on what era we’re talking about. Both think they’re killing to exact justice on the world even if Jason’s idea of justice is a little screwed up.

Forget Jason vs Freddy vs Ash, we need Jason vs Horatio

Imagine how awesome it would be. Two characters with all the same superpowers. One uses his powers for murdering people, the other uses his powers to apprehend people who murder people. It’s the perfect setup, and whoever owns the rights to these characters needs to get on that asap. Of course it would turn into a never ending ouroboros where Jason teleports in to get the killing blow on some poor hapless camp counselor, Horatio teleports behind him with his gun out ready to make the arrest, and they rinse and repeat for all of eternity.

Still, that’d be pretty awesome. Someone needs to get David Caruso and Kane Hodder on the horn and make this happen.